Hope Renewed: Picking up the Pieces After Loss

Christy Lowry
Publication Consultants (2005)
ISBN 1594330255
Reviewed by Linda Benninghoff for Reader Views (2/06)

Grieving is a lifelong process. This seems to me to be one of the main messages of "Hope Renewed" by Christy Lowry, the sequel to "Pam." "Hope Renewed" maps out carefully the stages of grief the author went through when her 8th grade daughter Pam, after getting off a school bus, ran in front of a car and was killed.

Lowry describes the shock at her daughter’s sudden, unexpected death and the denial she experiences--the belief that Pam could not be dead. She refers to the 5 stages of grief as described by Elizabeth Kuebler Ross in her book "On Grief and Grieving," and states that the grief process is not really linear. An early stage can recur even after a later stage has been struggled with and passed through. I liked this insight because when I lost my best friend Mary to cancer 3 years ago, the stage of denial, the feeling that Mary was still alive, kept coming up again and again. Just a month ago I thought I saw Mary walking through the park and I had the feeling that if I went to her apartment her name would still be on the door.

Lowry maintains optimism throughout the book, and I could feel her connection with Pam becoming more meaningful and at the same time less painful. There were concrete decisions to make, such as whether to leave Pam’s room untouched or let one of her brothers use it.

She starts out feeling that this could not have happened to her. "Death always happened to “the other guy” ...This misguided assumption, buffered by our traditionally accident-free family history, set us up for heightened distress and horror, totally blindsiding us when tragedy struck." The shock Lowry experiences dissipates quickly, but not the denial and disbelief.

Lowry first copes by sifting through the accident scene "like a detective." Later she realizes that death is only the perceived enemy of life. "Our society attempts to postpone aging, dreading it as the last step toward death. I didn’t grasp how much until, over time, I heard cumulative media discussions about the impact of social attitudes on our perceptions of death and dying." Even though we deny and ignore it, the author says, death is the one reality we all share.

"Hope Renewed" is easy to read, directed at the average person and can be of crucial help to many mourners, even with such difficult details as picking out a coffin. Lowry delves into the many effects of grief. She discusses the fact that many marriages break up after the loss of a child, and gives suggestions as to what to do to prevent divorce and separation. There is advice on understanding siblings’ grief, which is different from parents’ grief. The book also suggests how to comprehend the loved one's friends' mourning process. There are sections on anger, on grandparents, and the book is filled with meaningful reflections. For example, Lowry wonders if the Great Depression made grievers more stoic, less able to express grief and to set aside time for it.

This book will be an excellent companion--the sort of book the reader will refer to again and again. Lowry explains the seemingly inexplicable reactions to loss, and discusses the time when hope breaks through.

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