Are Your Parents Driving You Crazy?: Getting to Yes with Competent Aging Parents

Joseph A. Ilardo, Carole R. Rothman
Vanderwyk & Burnham (2005)
ISBN 9781889242187
Reviewed by Debra Gaynor for Reader Views (12/06)


When we are young our parents (in most situations) take care of us.  As our parents age, the roles reverse; parents don’t see the need for or want the reversal.  It is important for children to be diplomatic when offering to help their parents and not diminish their freedom nor take over their decision-making unless it is necessary.  The suggestions in this book leave the parent with their dignity and independence. 

“We urge parents and children to establish a sound, mutually respectful relationship, which we call the caring partnership, and show them how to avoid mistakes that can frustrate their efforts.”  This book is written with 3 assumptions: “1.) That your parents are still capable of making rational decisions, 2.) That you and your parents are able to interact, 3.) That your parents have been managing their lives successfully until now.” 

Authors and therapists, Ilardo and Rothman, offer scenarios and suggestions for examining the circumstance as it relates to the parent and child.  They ask questions to help you examine each situation and how to solve the problem if there is one.  Among the topics discussed is dealing with a spouse that resents the in-laws’ demands, managing bank accounts, whether or not to move an aging parent in with you, and a sibling stealing from a parent.  These and many more topics are thoroughly discussed and analyzed.  The chapter on assisted living and nursing facilities is invaluable.

The main objective of this book is to teach children how to form a partnership with their parents.  Too many times the child strong arms the parent and tries to take over the decision-making when it’s not necessary. 

Ilardo and Rothman are talented writers offering their readers wise insight into a problem that more and more people are facing daily.  I hope that after reading this book I can be more of a partner to my parents, not threatening their dignity or independence.  Kudos to the authors!  The title of this book is well chosen hinting at the insights inside.  It is with pleasure that I highly recommend “Are Your Parents Driving You Crazy?” to all adult children. 

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