If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!: What You Really Need to Know When Your Loved One Drinks Too Much

Lisa Frederiksen
KLJ Publishing (2008)
ISBN 9780981684406
Reviewed by Carol Hoyer, PhD, for Reader Views (12/08)

There are many books out there that talk about alcoholism, co-dependency and treatment. However, there are few books that cover what families can do to help themselves when someone they love drinks excessively.

Ms. Frederiksen has written a book that not only reinforces what we know or don’t care to know about a loved one who drinks, but she also includes her own experiences as an individual who has a history of alcoholism in the family. In a clear, easy-to-read book, the author clearly differentiates between alcohol use and abuse.

In Chapter 4, Ms. Frederiksen discusses cures, slips and relapses, co-addictions and dual diagnosis. In particular, her information on denial is very important. An alcoholic will try and get anyone he/she can on their side through manipulation, promises and pitting one parent against another. Children are especially vulnerable. Another important point is that alcoholism cannot be cured. Regardless of what anyone thinks, even if the individual stops drinking- taking one drink can put them right back on that downward spiral.

The author also discusses interventions, which, as a Psychologist, I think are very important. Interventions cannot be done “spur of the moment.” They must be planned out with a neutral professional and practiced over and over. It is also important that you get consent from the user. This may seem rather strange, however, many times an abuser/alcoholic may agree to an intervention to get “others off their back.”  The family must also be prepared to have the individual go into treatment right away.

Of particular interest in her book, the author provides a couple of self-help questionnaires that address if drinking is a problem and a very good one on co-dependency.

The author’s information on children in the family is also very important. Often we believe that if children aren’t aware of what is going on it won’t harm them. Children hear and see things we don’t know about. It is important that children of the appropriate age be part of the intervention as well as be afforded the opportunity to attend counseling or a support group.

“If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!” by Lisa Frederiksen is a book that I recommended to my Substance Abuse classes that I teach through a college. Not only does it give great facts on the disease, but it also gives tips and scripts to use if placed in that situation.

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