Happily Un-Married: Living Together and Loving It!

John Curtis, PhD
Robert D. Reed (2008)
ISBN 9781934759097
Reviewed by Tammy Petty Conrad for Reader Views (9/08)

First, you can’t walk away from this title.  We all know the saying “they were married happily ever after.” Of course we also know the statistics that less than half of us actually are. So it definitely catches your attention. But secondly, you may or may not change your mind based on the pictures on the cover. It would appear that those happily un-married are often wearing lingerie, at least the female side of the partnership.

But this is actually a very business-like book about cohabitating with quick-reading chapters and worksheets to complete with your partner. With twenty types of unmarried couples listed, readers will quickly realize we all come into this kind of a relationship with different backgrounds or experiences. It makes sense to spend time working upfront for a smooth transition and to form a lasting relationship.  Not only does the author go into the reasons for cohabitating, but the consequences of cohabitation. There are pitfalls which can be avoided or minimized if we follow Dr. Curtis’ handbook.

He has a background in marriage and family counseling and has worked as an organizational development consultant. His web site provides a liberal does of information as well as an opportunity to subscribe to his newsletter.

As he says, his book “…details a totally new approach to relationship fitness….” I like the idea of a fit relationship and actually working on it to get it there. He takes time to stress that this book is written for both men and women and although it is about intimacy, it is very practical. Clear expectations are important in a relationship, just as they are in the workplace. The author hopes his book will provide a new “…perspective on how to think about a live-in relationship….” He makes a great point that we should invest as much time and energy in our relationships as we do in our jobs. We know how easy it is to coast along and let other areas in life take priority.

Each chapter includes a list of objectives with highlights at the end. I enjoyed the quotes at the beginning of each chapter. I could see posting them on my bathroom mirror for inspiration as I worked through a new chapter each week. The format makes for a quick read so it will be easier to share with your partner. When a worksheet is given, usually a completed sample is shown. He refers to S.M.A.R.T. objectives as used in business:  specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-bound. You might think that this format could take away the romance of the relationship. But I’d like to think that being smarter about how you approach a relationship is more of a turn-on than being too casual and avoiding the difficult issues.

Some of the topics include financial issues, job descriptions for couples and merging “mindstyles.” Something I hadn’t thought about is branding a relationship. The author describes it as a way to ensure you are both on the same page when discussing your relationship with others. He even thinks this helps you attract similar couples to make friends with. This is where the concept of “only” living together is discussed (similar to “only a housewife”). He’s right about how much is involved in combining households, from your communication style to your problem-solving skills and so much more. Usually we just think about how nice it will be to be with each other all the time. But there’s more to it.

It is easy to look at the potential negatives, but he also addresses developing a benefits package, which includes all the positives you’ll receive from a successful cohabitation. In the end the author acknowledges that it isn’t easy going through this process, but extremely worthwhile. His goal is for couples to “…have a much more stable, mature relationship… (to) reach the most satisfying closeness that a couple can achieve….”

“Happily Un-Married:  Living Together and Loving It!” by John Curtis, PhD, would be a great present to any couple considering living together. But don’t wait till it’s too late!

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