Interview with J.J. Smith
J.J. Smith is a passionate life coach, inspirational speaker and corporate executive in the D.C. metro area. She has spoken to thousands on topics that range from personal and professional growth to the development of healthy love and interpersonal relationships. Today through her seminars, small group workshops, and personal one-on-one relationship coaching sessions, J.J. is helping women of all ages upgrade the quality of their personal relationships with men. J.J. Smith serves as the relationship expert on the "Al & Tony Show," discussing topics about men, dating, love and sex. J.J. has recently been featured on the "Jamie Foxx Show," “Michael Baisden Show,” "Montel Williams: Montel Across America," the "Guy Black Show," and in "Alluring Looks," an online beauty and style magazine. J.J. currently serves as Vice President and Partner in an IT Consulting firm, Intact Technology, Inc. in New Carrollton, Maryland. J.J. was also the youngest African-American to receive a Vice President position at a Fortune 500 company. She is the recipient of several performance awards and has published numerous white papers. J.J.’s hobbies include reading, writing and deejaying. “Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating” is her first book. Tyler: Welcome, J.J. I’m excited to talk to you today. We hear a lot about women who have terrible dating experiences, and also tips on how to find the right man, so will you tell us how your book is different by comparison to other books along those lines?
Tyler: Will you tell us a little about your experiences—your qualifications—for writing this book? J.J.: I serve as the relationship expert on the “Al & Tony Show” discussing topics about men, dating, love and sex. I have recently been featured on the “Jamie Foxx Show,” “Michael Baisden Show,” “Montel Williams: Montel Across America,” and “The Guy Black Show” to talk about dating and relationships. Through my seminars, small group workshops, and one-on-one relationship coaching sessions, I help women of all ages upgrade the quality of their personal relationships with men. Additionally, my book is not only a dating playbook for women, but it is also filled with heartfelt stories of the joys and pains I experienced over the years in my pursuit of a loving, meaningful relationship. So, I have learned a great deal from my own personal experiences. Tyler: J.J., I find your title refreshing—what made you decide on “Why I Love Men” as part of your title? J.J.: I find men to be attractive and fascinating. Over my entire life, I have always been surrounded by men and they have shaped my life, and helped me to grow, learn, and develop as a woman. Tyler: But you must have some crazy dating stories—some scary or nutty men you’ve dated? J.J.: I tell five crazy dating stories that women are finding to be laugh-out loud funny. As a result of those dating experiences, I explained how I learned about the three types of love, why the vagina is a tool of female empowerment, and why I learned the art of striptease. I also discuss my experience of having a stalker, and focus a chapter on why/how to “check men out” before you get too serious with them. Tyler: How did you show women to stay clear of unavailable or undesirable men? J.J.: Unavailable men are those who are not available or ready to have a meaningful relationship with a woman. This type of relationship has very little chance of long-term success. It is important to determine whether a guy is unavailable before you get involved in a serious relationship with him. A woman’s intuition will generally give her clues that a man is unavailable for a meaningful relationship; however, I also provide concrete ways to determine whether a man is unavailable. Tyler: J.J., you mentioned the three type of love. Will you tell us what those three types are? J.J.: Many women dream of romance and falling in love with that special person. This type of love is known as Eros love, which is that emotional or romantic love that constitutes the feeling of being “in love.” Eros love is that intense sexual desire or overwhelming longing or craving for someone. However, there are other types of love that we need in our life, namely Philos love (friendship love) and Agape love (unconditional love). Philos love is about companionship, friendship and connecting with people to share life’s journey. Agape love is unconditional love and it is from God. To feel completely satisfied and fulfilled, we need all three loves to be present in our lives. Tyler: I understand you’ve had three marriage proposals, which I assume means you turned down some proposals. Will you tell us about one of the proposals and why you turned it down? J.J.: Once when I was engaged, I attended pre-marital class with my fiancé and in one class, we had an assignment to write down ten characteristics of our ideal mate, including their physical, spiritual and personality traits. Once we created our list, we were to fold the list and seal it in an envelope. Given that we put this information in a sealed envelope, no one ever thought that our partners would ever see the list. However, at the end of the class, we were asked to exchange envelopes and share this information with our mates. My fiancé’s list reflected a lot of who I was. However, my list did not reflect any characteristics of my fiancé—not a single one! I wanted a man who was ambitious, with a sense of self-confidence, piercing intelligence, etc. I realized then that it didn’t make sense to marry a man who didn’t have any of the characteristics and traits I was looking for in my ideal mate. I wondered how I ended up engaged to someone who did not line up with what I wanted in a partner. So many times women let the man choose her, but it’s time we start choosing what is best for us. Although we finished the class, I broke off the engagement shortly afterwards and ended the relationship. It was painful to know that the person I loved and planned to marry was all wrong for me. Tyler: J.J., when you said women let the man choose her, what exactly do you mean? Are you saying women settle? Is it from fear another man won’t come along so they better take what they can get? J.J.: Many single women jump in and out of relationships that are wrong for them because they don’t want to be alone. There is a major difference between being “lonely” and “aloneness.” Know that you may be alone, but you don’t have to be lonely in life. Alone is defined as separate, apart, unique or unequaled. In contrast, being lonely is defined as lacking friendly companionship. If you have a full life of family, friends and dates, you don’t have to lack companionship in your life and, therefore, you don’t have to be lonely. Being single and alone can be a wonderful experience. It’s the perfect time for adventure, fun, romance, self-discovery and renewal. Before you get into a relationship, learn to be happy alone. Work on your personal happiness and enjoying the wonderful friends and family in your life. Tyler: J.J., you encourage women to be pro-active, not just in looking for a man, but in making themselves attractive to men. Are we talking about making yourself look pretty and cooking a good dinner for your man, things women were told back in the 1950s, or are there more important ways to be attractive today? J.J.: It is much more than looking pretty and cooking a good meal for a man, although both of these will increase your chances of meeting and keeping a man. The book discusses that being an attractive woman is being independent, productive, with goals, dreams and fulfilling activities. There is a chapter titled, “Have a Life of Your Own” that discusses why is important to have a fun-filled productive life of your own. If you don’t have a life of your own when you meet a man, you will quickly become clingy and desperate, and try to attach yourself to his life. It is important to have your own life because you don’t want to expect a man to save you from yourself. He should just enhance your life. If you are waiting for a relationship to solve your financial or emotional issues, then you are relinquishing the responsibility for your happiness and fulfillment to someone else. So, being “attractive” is more than just looking pretty. Tyler: In “Why I Love Men, you talk about how women should determine their “Relationship Market Value.” Can you explain what you mean by that term? J.J.: Before you begin the dating process, it’s important to understand your Relationship Market Value (RMV). Your RMV helps you determine three things: (1) the characteristics that you bring to a relationship that can be of value or benefit to a mate; (2) what type of guys you can attract so that you can focus your efforts on finding that type of man; and (3) if you are ready for a relationship, when determining your Relationship Market Value, you take a close look at your mental/emotional health, financial health, family relationships and other areas of your life, and discover if you are really ready for a relationship. You determine your RMV by looking at the positive traits that you bring to the table that add value to the relationship, while evaluating the negative ones as well as those that may take something away or create challenges in a relationship. Determining your value is about being realistic regarding what you will be bringing into a relationship. Tyler: Ultimately, would you say that self-improvement, whether it attracts a man or not, is going to make a woman’s life happier and more fulfilled? J.J.: The book talks about very specific ways to improve all aspects of our lives (physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially). This focus on and improvement of self will not only improve women’s romantic relationships, but their relationships with family and friends as well. Women will ultimately be empowered in their lives as single women and will naturally be happier, more attractive women with a lot to offer men. Tyler: J.J., at the end of the day, is it fair to say Mr. Right is still out there if women keep looking? J.J.: Absolutely, Mr. Right is still out there. To find him, it is important to know what you want from a man or a relationship. If you don’t know, then your chances are poor of ever getting it. When you know what you want and value in a mate, you can do the choosing opposed to waiting to be chosen. Choosers know what they want and take responsibility for getting it. You are in charge of creating the love life that you want. Know what you want and take the initiative to go after it! So many women go into a relationship without a wish list of what they are looking for in a man. You have to be clear on what you’re looking for. If you went to buy a car, you would have an idea of what type of car (sedan, mini-van, convertible, SUV) as well as the price range you were willing to pay. If not, the dealer could easily sell you on a two-door, two-seat convertible for you and your three kids. Decide what you want in a man before you go searching for a mate. Tyler: J.J., have you received any responses yet from female readers? How are they taking your advice? J.J.: The peer reviews have been outstanding. We have been getting rave reviews as described on our website. Women have been writing me thanking me for the book and there are several areas in particular that women love the most, such as how to conduct a beauty transformation…without cosmetic surgery, how to determine their Relationship Market Value (RMV), and understanding the five types of roles a woman can play in a dating relationship and determining whether the role the man chooses is right for you. Tyler: Do you think male readers could also benefit from reading “Why I Love Men”? If so, how? J.J.: We have many positive reviews from men as well. They find the book just as entertaining as women. They are also surprised as to how accurate the section, 5 Truths About Men is and thinks the book is right on point. Tyler: If you could give women who are dating just one simple piece of advice, what is the most important thing you would tell them? J.J.: In order to attract love into your life, it’s important to improve the relationship you have with yourself. If you love yourself and have confidence in who you are, then you will begin to send a signal to others that you have value and deserve respect. An improved sense of self will lead you to a more fulfilling love life. Loving yourself first sends a clear message that you are to be recognized, celebrated, appreciated and loved. Tyler: Thank you, J.J. for joining me today. Before we go, will you tell us about your website and what additional information our readers may find there about “Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating”? J.J.: Yes, there is a lot of great information at www.jjsmithonline.com. There are FREE book excerpts, FREE articles, and by joining the mailing list, you can get a FREE eBook that covers ten of the most popular articles written by me on dating, love and sex. There are also other eBooks that are for sale such as “101 Best Places to Meet Men in 2009,” “200+ Online Dating Sites,” and “Understanding Open Relationships: Are They Right For You?” Tyler: Thank you again, J.J. for the interview today. I wish you much success with “Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating” and hope your readers equally find success from reading it. |
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