Interview with Thomas Brown

Men Bleed Too
Thomas Brown
iUniverse (2005)
ISBN 0595361870
Reviewed by Richard R. Blake for Reader Views (11/06)

Reader Views is happy to welcome, Thomas Brown, author of the inspirational self-help book, “Men Bleed Too.” Thomas is being interviewed by Juanita Watson, Assistant Editor of Reader Views.

Juanita:  Thanks for taking the time to talk with us today Thomas. Your book “Men Bleed Too: A Compelling Story About One Man's Struggle to Help His Wife Fight Breast Cancer!” is a true account of your own personal experience.  Would you tell us the deeply honest story you tell in your book?

Thomas BrownThomas:  This is the story of my role as a caregiver for my wife who was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1992 and unfortunately died in August of 1994.

Juanita:  What inspired you to turn your experience into a book? 

Thomas:  At the time of Barbara’s diagnosis I did a lot of research on breast cancer.  I found several good books written by women and their experiences, but nothing from a male caregivers perspective.  I kept copious notes and a daily journal throughout our battle.  I just felt that someday I needed to tell that story from a man’s point of view.

Juanita:  How did you and Barbara react to the original diagnosis?

Thomas:  That is an interesting question, because I thought I was the only one who knew at first.  After the initial biopsy the surgeon took me into a private room and said that the biopsy went well.  I asked him what it looked like and he said that it looked like cancer, but would have to wait for the results of the pathology lab to be certain.  He went on to add that he was sure it was cancer and if the results came back that it was not, he would do another biopsy.  So Barbara and I left with me thinking I was the only one who knew.  On the way home Barbara asked me what the doctor said and I told her that he would have to wait for the results of the pathology lab.  I just could not tell her.  Later that evening before we went to bed Barbara told me that she knew it was cancer.  It was then that I told her about the whole conversation.  It was not a good day for us.  As the days progressed, we developed a joint strategy.  It was a simple plan.  Barbara would be the patient and fight as hard as she could and I would be her task manager and caregiver. 

Juanita:  How did the prospect of losing your wife affect you emotionally/physically?  Did you have any one to support your process as you were strongly supporting your wife?

Thomas:  On the back cover of the book it reads in part, “Ever since I first found out that Barbara had breast cancer the thought of her dying plagued me almost daily.”  That never changed throughout the whole process.  I was on an emotional and physical roller coaster for the next twenty months.  At the time I was in excellent physical condition, so I feel that helped me get through a lot.  I also had a whole host of family and friends supporting Barbara, and I had personal friends that I could call on for anything and they would have responded.  I did not have to worry about children at home because both out our sons were grown.  One was already out of college and the other was a junior.  They too provided a lot of support for both their mother and me.

Juanita:  How did your role change as Barbara’s illness progressed?

Thomas: I think that as the illness progressed I became smarter and more educated about the process.  I learned how to ask the right questions to the attending medical staffs.  I also learned more about the side affects of chemotherapy and what to look for and how to respond.  At one point I was hovering over my wife too much getting water, ice, Kleenex etc. and she told me that she was ill not helpless.  I had to learn how to back off, even though I wanted to help so much.

Juanita:  What was your experience, mentally/emotionally, as complete caregiver to your wife? 

Thomas:  I was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  There were so many positive signs throughout her treatment that she could beat cancer.  I had to watch a beautiful woman whom I met at 16, married at 20, deteriorate and finally die at age 45. 

Juanita:   Would you encourage other men going through the same situation to keep a journal?

Thomas:  Not only would I encourage a journal; I would take a tape recorder with me to ever session with a medical professional.  The journal is so valuable for two reasons.  First, it provides the caregiver with accurate information about the patient’s physical and mental condition.  I kept track of every drug that my wife took, the amount and the time that she took it.  This helped the doctors several times when she was put in the emergency room due to a very high fever.  Secondly, the journal allowed me to vent my frustrations.  I wrote a chapter every day simply titled “Emotions.”  It was there that I expressed how I felt every day.  

Juanita:   How will “Men Bleed Too” help other men going through the same situation?  What type of common feelings/experiences etc. do you talk about in your book that will be helpful to readers?

Thomas:  To understand the entire process one should read the book.  There are a lot of things that caregivers need to learn quickly but I will only list what I feel are the top three.  Communication:  This is probably the most important job and one of the most challenging for the caregiver.  After diagnosis the cancer patient will have to live with the physical, emotional and social consequences of having cancer.  The caregiver must be able to communicate with the patient in an effective manner.  Listen to the needs of the patient.  Listen to their fears and be supportive.  There are no magic answers.  Be mindful that men and women generally communicate differently.   Women often express their feelings more openly.  When your loved one is talking, listen intently before offering a response.  Sometimes she only wants you to hear how she feels and is asking for support not advice.  A simple hug and “I understand, and will always be here for you,” is all the response that is needed.   I think that establishing open and honest communication throughout the process helps both the caregiver and the patient.

Education:  Most male caregivers have no idea what is involved when their loved one is told that she has breast cancer.  It is imperative that the caregivers learn as much about the disease as possible in a very short period of time.  There are hundreds of sites on the Internet devoted to this subject.  The cancer treatment facility that you are using has useful brochures and pamphlets to help the caregiver better understand breast cancer.  You should also learn as much as you can about the treatment your loved one will undergo.  I would take a tape recorder to every meeting that you have with your doctors and ask permission to record the session.  At the very least, I would keep a journal with very detailed notes to include the date, time, type and amount of drugs that your loved one is taking.  It is a very good chance that sometime they will develop an infection and have to be hospitalized.  With your notes you can easily tell the attending physician what medication your loved one has taken and when.  Finally, you will have to be the one to educate the rest of your family.  You will be the one who passes along the information on your loved one’s treatment.  It is important to not shield your loved one from your family.  They have concerns too.

Taking Care of Yourself:  Regardless of your age and physical condition, as a caregiver you will experience both emotional and physical stress.  You will feel shock, anger, fear, sorrow, guilt and maybe even hate just to name a few.  If you are a full time employee, you will have to balance your work with taking care of your loved one.  Then there is the domestic responsibilities of tending the house, cooking etc.  If there are young children at home, they need your attention also.  Caregiving is demanding and stressful no mater what the circumstances are.  I mentioned keeping a journal to track your loved ones schedule.  You should also consider a place each day in the journal where you can write about your emotions.  It is a way of venting, and it is useful.  Lastly, you must take care of your physical health.  If you are not sleeping and getting the required rest, it will eventually result in affecting your judgment and your health.  If you get a cold or the flu and cannot care for your loved one, seek help from a family member or a friend.

In conclusion, don’t expect to be perfect.  You will make mistakes along the way.  But learn from your mistakes, and improve.  Don’t dwell on them too long.  Make adjustments to your plan and move forward.  It takes time to learn how to be a successful caregiver.  Go slow and methodical in your approach to caregiving.  Believe me your loved one will appreciate every little thing you do for them, to include just the simple one of saying, “I love you”.

Juanita:   Have your thoughts changed since the death of your wife in 1994, in regards to death and dying? How?

Thomas:  The death of a loved one, particularly a spouse is horrible.  It is not something our culture teaches us how to deal with.  When she died I had to go through the grieving process.  It is a long and tedious process that for many in this world is never complete.

Juanita:  What would surprise people the most when it comes to what men go through in the situation of watching their spouse battle cancer?

Thomas:  You see a tremendous amount of courage from the patient.  Even though they are really sick at times from the chemo, there will always be those times when you get a little smile. 

Juanita:  Has spirituality been a part of your healing process?

Thomas:  Yes, spirituality was a big part of my healing process.  However, the person who got me through the grieving process is my wife Connie.  The same year that Barbara died I met a wonderful widow.  We became friends and eventually partners in life.  She is the subject of my sequel to Men Bleed Too, titled She Taught Me To Laugh Again, which will be published in early 2007.

Juanita:   Thomas, I understand that you attended the First National Male Caregivers Conference in Baltimore, August ’06.  Did you speak at the conference, and would you elaborate on the obvious need for more awareness in this area?

Thomas:  I did attend the conference and no I was not a speaker, just an attendee.  I am currently working with Marc Heyison the president of Men Against Breast Cancer to start up an affiliate chapter here in Kansas.  I believe that there is a definite need for affiliates around the United States.  When you look at all the support available for the patients, such as Y-ME and the Komen foundation, the male caregivers need support too. 

Juanita:  Thomas, how can readers find out more about you and your book?

Thomas:  My web page at www.thomasbrownbooks.com has all that information.  I can also be reached by email at cav@kc.rr.com. 

Juanita:   Thanks for taking the time to talk with us today Thomas.  Your courageous book will be of great help for male caregivers and we certainly encourage readers to look into “Men Bleed Too.”  Do you have any final thoughts today?

Thomas:  In 2005 over 43,000 women in the United States died from breast cancer.  That is just a horrible statistic.  To all the brave women who have survived breast cancer, my heart goes out to you and I offer you my deepest hope for a long life.  To all caregivers, whether male or female, I offer you my support.  Finally, don’t forget to look for the sequel She Taught Me To Laugh Again, which is the story of how Connie, my wife and I built a new life together after the death of our spouses.

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